Tired and Frustrated - tldr post

It's been a while since I've posted here. A lot of things have happened both irl and in sl and while some of it is very good and gives me a lot of happiness, some things are not so good and 1 or 2 have been downright awful.

I've run into something that weirdly enough I've never encountered before. See, for me... sl offers me the best chance of an abiding relationship. I'm not interested in random pixel banging and I'm not here to count notches on my virtual bed post. When I was younger in sl, I did some of that, but I guess I sowed my wild oats or something... that's not me now, at all.

I've been in sl for 12 years, sure I've taken some longish breaks away from it but... for all intents and purposes, 12 years. That's a long time to stay with anything and over that time... well that's a lot of water under the bridge. That's a lot of time to have all sorts of experiences, some good some bad some in between.

And, I don't care what anyone says, virtual relationships are still relationships. Our brains just aren't equipped to see it differently, unless you approach everything like it's a game and like people in sl are merely constructs without feelings. I think this is a horrible way to see other people and I want no part in that.

So... when I find someone I like... and they clearly think a virtual relationship is inferior,  a fantasy only, well that hurts in a major way.

Especially since, if I'm honest, well sure it's inferior. As much as it gives me pleasure to see our avatars embracing, it's definitely not the same as being embraced physically. How can it be?

But, then I think how much it often hurts me to be physically touched. Fibromyalgia is no fucking joke in that department. The slightest touch can set off a jangle of nerves that makes me want to cry. A whole hug is all but impossible on some days. And to think of anything further?...

So... then that virtual hug looks a whole lot better. It feels good and doesn't hurt. Plus there are other things... my chances of a real life relationship are small...due to health and other reasons. Is it really so wrong to be looking for a virtual replacement?

I just feel frustrated by this. I'm so hurt, and the whole thing makes me tired, mentally and emotionally. The human desire for love and companionship, I think it's the most natural of impulses.  I don't know why it's so hard.

I'm really sick right now with a bad infection, I'm taking these huge amoxicillin pills twice a day so that's got me down also. Infections are extra stressful for me because I have total adrenal failure so I think everything seems more dramatic to me right now.

I just want to be loved, the way everyone else does. I want to be with someone smart and compassionate, loving and strong... I don't know how to find someone like that. I sure seem to be doing it wrong at any rate.

Perhaps I'm wrong to put this out there... to pour out my heart like this. But I'm really sad, and tired, and frustrated... and venting that may help me put myself back together.

And I want to say that I'm really grateful to my sl family, my dear Dame and Sin, my lovely Lessa, Brian and Dresden. I'd be so much worse off without you all and I love you very much.

I'm blessed in both family and friends and I don't forget that. My sl is mostly very happy.

I just... want more.  I don't think it's wrong to want more, I really don't.