Recently some things happened that made me rethink that whole... looking for a Dom deal. Don't get me wrong... it's not that I don't still want one... but basically I'm tired of kissing frogs*. And I'm tired of having that be the focus of my whole sl. Like I think if I'm not 'on the job' looking, then I'm doing something wrong. And upon reflection, I feel that's a load of crap.
Even before I left previously, I had noticed a sharp shift in the way people in sl related to BDSM. I'm sure it's partly due to that horrible "Gray" book, but also simply a sort of power trip people who think they are anonymous go on to begin with - it's the same mentality that makes people troll message boards and wank endlessly online over whatever stupid thing is the flavor of the day. I.E. they think they can do or say whatever they want because hey it's the internet.
And to a certain extent, they can, as long the status quo remains the same or no one chooses to speak out. And I know from painful experience that one voice alone doesn't pull too much weight. Gravity, in terms of mass appeal, is damn hard to get started.
I got into a conversation the other day with someone I think of as a legend in his own mind about the issue of respect. He, like many others, seems to feel that lip service should be paid to him based solely on his declaration that he is a Dominant. But for me this is a case of "show me the money." I'm simply not built to blindly give someone "Respect" in the form of kneeling or calling them by a title simply because he holds up a big sign that says "Look How Dominant I am."
Even back in the day I never did that. I respect everyone as human beings worthy of basic courtesy and consideration. But if someone wants me to *really* respect and trust them as a Dom, as my personal Sir? They gonna have to work. And like Fifth Harmony sang, I'm worth it.
Mere possession of a penis, real or prim is not enough of a reason for me to call someone sir. Dressing in black, long hair or whatever else someone thinks proves he's all that, is not enough for me. Show me the money**.
The other thing that happened, has to do with a sim which I like to visit from time to time. I've been going there for some years now. I was never more than a casual visitor, attending some of the gatherings but staying on the periphery. The reason why is that the sim's prime purpose has to do with rp based on the story of O. I'm not judgy, I feel everyone has the right to lead their online life any way they please so long as it's consensual and all that. But I've never been attracted to that particular flavor of bdsm and so kept it casual.
Now, I like this sim. I think some good basic bdsm education is going on there. Good conversation, nice social gathering and so on. But recently two women whom I greatly respect and like left the sim on the grounds that the leader of said sim called safe wording topping from the bottom. Aside from my horror and essential wtf reaction to him saying that... I am truly devastated for these ladies and in a more distant way for myself. I'm not sure that I feel comfortable going there even casually knowing that this is a feeling there. I also was privy to their farewell notecards and they each referred to things going on behind the scenes which they'd chosen to accept or ignore which... I don't think should be accepted or ignored.
It's common it seems in online bdsm to simply tell submissives, especially female ones, that in order to be submissive they must completely forget they are also human with needs, wants, feelings, thoughts of their own. Folks, choosing to sublimate one's own desires in order to please or serve someone else's is submission. Operative word choice. It should not be an out of hand expectation. I choose who I trust with this power and he better live up to his end of the bargain.
I'm not going to lecture on this topic, but I do want to just briefly touch on this other thing. A safe word is the linchpin upon which safe, sane and consensual turns on. Without it, abuse creeps in and makes submission more like slavery.*** To call it topping from the bottom is not only horribly insulting, it sounds like a Dominant having a fucking temper tantrum and frankly he can kiss my metaphorical ass. Never ever give a new sub the idea that using her safeword makes her a bad sub. Just don't. That's abusive in itself since 90 percent of the submissives I know, including myself have a basic fear of being a bad, less worthy person as it is.
I'm the type of sub who really detests using a safe word. I'm performance motivated to an extent. I'm a perfectionist. For me, using a safe word feels like failing, like being flawed. That being said, I cherish the fact that I can safeword if I need to without judgement or punishment or disapproval. I'm for damn sure not using it for manipulation purposes. My limits have to do with very real panic triggers among other things and having to safe word is the last thing I ever want to do.
I desperately want to be loved, want to be good enough, want to feel cherished. Safe wording should not make me feel less good, less worthy because some damn fool has an ego problem and thinks I might be trying to manipulate him. Use your head for something other than holding your hat on.
The worst of it is. I'm already broken, busted into a thousand thousand pieces. So many of us are in this world. It's how we get on with it that matters. How we put ourselves back together and look at the world after the breaking, that's what defines us. I could spend all my time being bitter, being angry, trying to make every person pay for my pain. But I don't want to. I refuse to put myself in that box.
That doesn't mean I don't have some mighty big scars. Places that make me look with skepticism instead of trust. Times when I'm expecting a blow instead of a kiss because been there done that. If you dismiss me, I will dismiss you, harder. If you hurt me, you will cease to exist for me.
It hurts me to think of this person who I liked, who I respected... suddenly doing such a 180. It hurts me that the bdsm community in sl seems solely interested in counting coup. So many girls. So much pixel banging. Whatever.
So, if something right for me in that regard happens, great. But if it doesn't, I can still have happiness and fun.And I deserve all the smiles I can find.
Footnotes:
*Bearing in mind I wasn't doing much kissing or anything else. I'm a picky bitch and sex animations in sl tend to make me laugh.
**I'm not talking about literal money here. I mean show me something of substance that makes me feel compelled to respect you, that makes me feel that indefinable way. (and btw, people are stingy af... a little generosity towards someone you claim to want in your sl goes a long way)
***I'm not kink shaming here. I'm well aware that some people want to feel immersed in slavery or at least rp it out. Whatever your kink, that's fine for you. But nobody should feel entitled to force that on someone else.
Fashion credits because Stella asked me about them:
Head - Lona by Catwa, skin applier Minji in biscuit by Pink Fuel, basic body shape by Lilo's Fit edited by me. hair - Mizu in milk by Analog Dog (this is an older hair), eye shadow Dreamgirls pastel by Adored, lipgloss - sparkle and shine by Pink Fuel - eyelashes part of the Kpop Your Face for catwa by Shiny Stuffs, (i'm also wearing some plain sparkles on the upper layer from the I love sparkles 2 set by Shiny Stuffs) hairbase - babyhair base by L'etre, outfit by Sweet e's - teal tank and cherryblossom shorts, shoes - Riri - by Phedora, nails - Stilleto medium by Empire, rings - festival rings by Yummy - nail polish by Hello Dave - fabfree group gift (spring fades) - necklace - gypsy hoop choker by maxi gossamer, earrings ashira hoops 3 by maxi gossamer, ears - princess ears by Swallow, body sparkles are - Sparkling Body in Unicorn by Avenge, Eye appliers by Euphoric from the Enigma set, body - Maitreya Lara, poses by Hera & Semotions, backdrop by me, windlight - phototools absinthe light
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