Mermaid Melody - and Particles for Beginners.

I have so much going on in my head, I am not even sure where to begin. Except, maybe, Serendipity is a beautiful thing.

A lot of very wonderful experiences and things are coming into my life lately in this way. It's true, the un looked for is so often the best.

Yesterday was a terrible, no good, very bad day - a grown up version. (as re the kid's book, Alexander and the Terrible No Good Very Bad Day.)

If you're first visiting my blog thanks for coming by and be advised my auto immune system is basically a big fat mess, and on top of that I have fibromyalgia and migraines and whoo boy. So, yesterday, not good.

However, I'm a silver linings girl. And even though most of yesterday was a giant mess... there were some good parts.

Of the good.: My friend Brian gave me a cute purple microphone the other day and I discovered that it actually goes to a full anime girl type costume. It was gacha parts and I invested to get all the parts. The pictures are just from gyazo as I didn't have time or energy for something more grand.

I did some research on this  costume and evidently it's a very decent replica of an outfit worn by the character Hanon in the anime Mermaid Melody. I love that so much. :)

Anyway!

Random other bits. I feel kind of annoyed and singled out lately. I wear particles, they make me happy. You can turn those off in your viewer so being asked to take them off just is rude as far as I"m concerned. I'm not hurting a damn soul and you're mistaken if you think particles cause you lag. Particles are made from very very tiny images, that's the first thing. And usually these days very very tiny scripts. And like I said, you can easily turn off seeing them in your viewer if you so wish.

How to do that? well couple of ways.. in firestorm you can turn them off right from quick preferences, there's a spot that has a slider. Slide one way less or no particles. Slide another way and yay particles. I believe you can do it under graphics preferences where, again, a slider governs how many or if any that you see.

I'm working on some pictures to post but I'm running into a few issues. I do wish that pose makers would take into account that not everyone is a member of the itty bitty titty committe. Lol .I like saying that. Nothing wrong if you are a member of said committee, I know a lot of models are due to requirements. But I am not.. and it'd be nice not to have that be an issue with my pics.

Here's an example.

Now, this is a perfectly good picture, a good one even. But look at my own arm. It's in my hair and in my chest and no matter what I do to make it look right, it's just going to kind of be a mess. If the pose were up just a little higher it would work better.

I did some magic on her hair here, not sure if I'm totally satisfied. more later. :)

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Teal State of Mind

It's really difficult to know what to call these posts as far as a title sometimes. This one is just from the photos of my avatar I like to put at the end. She has a teal outfit on; it's not that deep.

Recently some things happened that made me rethink that whole... looking for a Dom deal. Don't get me wrong... it's not that I don't still want one... but basically I'm tired of kissing frogs*. And I'm tired of having that be the focus of my whole sl. Like I think if I'm not 'on the job' looking, then I'm doing something wrong. And upon reflection, I feel that's a load of crap.

Even before I left previously, I had noticed a sharp shift in the way people in sl related to BDSM. I'm sure it's partly due to that horrible "Gray" book, but also simply a sort of power trip people who think they are anonymous go on to begin with - it's the same mentality that makes people troll message boards and wank endlessly online over whatever stupid thing is the flavor of the day. I.E. they think they can do or say whatever they want because hey it's the internet.

And to a certain extent, they can, as long the status quo remains the same or no one chooses to speak out. And I know from painful experience that one voice alone doesn't pull too much weight. Gravity, in terms of mass appeal, is damn hard to get started.

I got into a conversation the other day with someone I think of as a legend in his own mind about the issue of respect. He, like many others, seems to feel that lip service should be paid to him based solely on his declaration that he is a Dominant. But for me this is a case of "show me the money." I'm simply not built to blindly give someone "Respect" in the form of kneeling or calling them by a title simply because he holds up a big sign that says "Look How Dominant I am."

Even back in the day I never did that. I respect everyone as human beings worthy of basic courtesy and consideration. But if someone wants me to *really* respect and trust them as a Dom, as my personal Sir? They gonna have to work. And like Fifth Harmony sang, I'm worth it.

Mere possession of a penis, real or prim is not enough of a reason for me to call someone sir. Dressing in black, long hair or whatever else someone thinks proves he's all that, is not enough for me. Show me the money**.

The other thing that happened, has to do with a sim which I like to visit from time to time. I've been going there for some years now. I was never more than a casual visitor, attending some of the gatherings but staying on the periphery. The reason why is that the sim's prime purpose has to do with rp based on the story of O. I'm not judgy, I feel everyone has the right to lead their online life any way they please so long as it's consensual and all that. But I've never been attracted to that particular flavor of bdsm and so kept it casual.

Now, I like this sim. I think some good basic bdsm education is going on there. Good conversation, nice social gathering and so on. But recently two women whom I greatly respect and like left the sim on the grounds that the leader of said sim called safe wording topping from the bottom. Aside from my horror and essential wtf reaction to him saying that... I am truly devastated for these ladies and in a more distant way for myself. I'm not sure that I feel comfortable going there even casually knowing that this is a feeling there. I also was privy to their farewell notecards and they each referred to things going on behind the scenes which they'd chosen to accept or ignore which... I don't think should be accepted or ignored.

It's common it seems in online bdsm to simply tell submissives, especially female ones, that in order to be submissive they must completely forget they are also human with needs, wants, feelings, thoughts of their own. Folks, choosing to sublimate one's own desires in order to please or serve someone else's is submission. Operative word choice. It should not be an out of hand expectation. I choose who I trust with this power and he better live up to his end of the bargain.

I'm not going to lecture on this topic, but I do want to just briefly touch on this other thing. A safe word is the linchpin upon which safe, sane and consensual turns on. Without it, abuse creeps in and makes submission more like slavery.*** To call it topping from the bottom is not only horribly insulting, it sounds like a Dominant having a fucking temper tantrum and frankly he can kiss my metaphorical ass. Never ever give a new sub the idea that using her safeword makes her a bad sub. Just don't. That's abusive in itself since 90 percent of the submissives I know, including myself have a basic fear of being a bad, less worthy person as it is.

I'm the type of sub who really detests using a safe word. I'm performance motivated to an extent. I'm a perfectionist. For me, using a safe word feels like failing, like being flawed. That being said, I cherish the fact that I can safeword if I need to without judgement or punishment or disapproval. I'm for damn sure not using it for manipulation purposes. My limits have to do with very real panic triggers among other things and having to safe word is the last thing I ever want to do. 

I desperately want to be loved, want to be good enough, want to feel cherished. Safe wording should not make me feel less good, less worthy because some damn fool has an ego problem and thinks I might be trying to manipulate him. Use your head for something other than holding your hat on. 

The worst of it is. I'm already broken, busted into a thousand thousand pieces. So many of us are in this world. It's how we get on with it that matters. How we put ourselves back together and look at the world after the breaking, that's what defines us. I could spend all my time being bitter, being angry, trying to make every person pay for my pain. But I don't want to. I refuse to put myself in that box. 

That doesn't mean I don't have some mighty big scars. Places that make me look with skepticism instead of trust. Times when I'm expecting a blow instead of a kiss because been there done that. If you dismiss me, I will dismiss you, harder. If you hurt me, you will cease to exist for me. 

It hurts me to think of this person who I liked, who I respected... suddenly doing such a 180. It hurts me that the bdsm community in sl seems solely interested in counting coup. So many girls. So much pixel banging. Whatever. 

So, if something right for me in that regard happens, great. But if it doesn't, I can still have happiness and fun.And I deserve all the smiles I can find. 

Footnotes:

*Bearing in mind I wasn't doing much kissing or anything else. I'm a picky bitch and sex animations in sl tend to make me laugh.

**I'm not talking about literal money here. I mean show me something of substance that makes me feel compelled to respect you, that makes me feel that  indefinable way.  (and btw, people are stingy af... a little generosity towards someone you claim to want in your sl goes a long way)

***I'm not kink shaming here. I'm well aware that some people want to feel immersed in slavery or at least rp it out. Whatever your kink, that's fine for you. But nobody should feel entitled to force that on someone else.

Fashion credits because Stella asked me about them:

Head - Lona by Catwa, skin applier Minji in biscuit by Pink Fuel, basic body shape by Lilo's Fit edited by me. hair - Mizu in milk by Analog Dog (this is an older hair), eye shadow Dreamgirls pastel by Adored, lipgloss - sparkle and shine by Pink Fuel - eyelashes part of the Kpop Your Face for catwa by Shiny Stuffs, (i'm also wearing some plain sparkles on the upper layer from the I love sparkles 2 set by Shiny Stuffs) hairbase - babyhair base by L'etre, outfit by Sweet e's - teal tank and cherryblossom shorts, shoes - Riri - by Phedora, nails - Stilleto medium by Empire, rings - festival rings by Yummy - nail polish by Hello Dave - fabfree group gift (spring fades) - necklace - gypsy hoop choker by maxi gossamer, earrings ashira hoops 3 by maxi gossamer, ears - princess ears by Swallow, body sparkles are - Sparkling Body in Unicorn by Avenge, Eye appliers by Euphoric from the Enigma set, body - Maitreya Lara, poses by Hera & Semotions, backdrop by me, windlight - phototools absinthe light

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Two best cures

I went looking for quotes about sleep because I wanted to write about my own constant battles with regard to sleep. And I found this.

And I thought, well that's so damn true, really. Both are a kind of release, and a kind of refreshment for the mind and soul. Even an orgasm isn't the refreshment that a laugh or a long sleep can be.

Today I had a long sleep. It was for once cool out, and I try not to run the air conditioner and mostly do fine with fans. I'm from the south and I acclimate much more easily to heat than I do to cold. I don't even sweat that much.

But it was cool, in the high 60's and raining. I had my windows open so the cool rainy breeze blew in and the rain pattered and pounded on my patio and I *slept*. For me sleep feels like the holy grail sometimes. That unreachable mythical thing I can never get or find or keep.

So it was precious. I woke to do the things like drink water, and then directly back to sleep with a breeze in my face and just the right amount of light covers wrapped around me. I woke up at last, truly awake and felt renewed. I felt better than I have in days, with very little pain and not the weird sense of tightness inside me. It felt like a blessing.

It won't last, these moments of feeling good don't any more. But I cherish it while I have it. I'll take a long shower in a bit and put on clean clothes and there I'll be.

For the moment, cured.

Took these two shots last night before I logged off. Caught my avi with her eyes closed thought well I'll save it.

top is by candy kitten, hair by wasabi, skin and lips by pink fuel, ears by swallow, eyes by euphoric, body glitter by avenge, heart particles by cole's corner.

avaunt ye.

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Practically Magic

Practical Magic is one of my favorite movies of all time. It's starting to date now, but I still love it. As I was getting ready to make this post... I started to think about things that make me dizzy, how I've felt confused and off balance. And this quote from the movie came to mind.

Gillian Owens: You ever put your arms out and spin really, really fast?
Antonia Owens: She does it all the time.
Gillian Owens: She does? Well, that’s what love is like. It makes your heart race. It turns the world upside down. But if you’re not careful, if you don’t keep your eyes on something still, you can lose your balance. You can’t see what’s happening to the people around you. You can’t see that you’re about to fall.

When I came back to sl, I thought I knew what I wanted out of being here, and who I wanted to be. But, as time goes by and I see what makes me smile,and also what doesn't. My feelings about that have changed. I just want to be me. I just want to be the playful, silly, girlish and sometimes maybe immature person that I am.

I'm old in years, and certainly old in negative experiences. But as one therapist puts it, those experiences put marks on your life. Before and after. For me, in some ways, there never was an after or if there was it was much slower than for normal people. People who didn't have those experiences.

So yeah, I may be a number as far as age but how I feel.. who I am... is very different than that.

I'm gonna just be me now. The girl addicted to shoes. The girl who wants to hug the world. The girl who cries at sad movies and can't handle scary ones.

I want to be loved and appreciated. Doesn't everyone? But, if it happens, it happens. If it doesn't, I'm okay just being me.

Thanks for reading.

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A brief history of well... me.

This is a brief history of my online presence. I won't list all the screen names and pen names I've used over nearly 20 years online but suffice to say I been here a long ass time. Also, I'm not a fan of the decency police.

An example, I was online way back in 1996. Yep before some of you maybe were even born yet. I don't judge you, you don't judge me, okay? (Ageism is ugly)

But back then, the big thing was aol. In those by gone days, aol had chat rooms and it was on dial up sistah.  Later on we progressed to ethernet but like many things. When it first started, there was nobody going around telling everybody they couldn't talk about sex or flogging or whatever the hell you wanted. And it was all text based. Cause that's what there was. 

Someone always comes along and tries to police everyone else. I never understand why it gives some people so much pleasure to go around telling others what they can't do when what they are doing has nothing to do with them and also is hurting exactly nobody.

Anyway... so, we had chat rooms and there were chat rooms for different topics. There were chat rooms for, as it might be, New Submissives (tm) or to meet people or for whatever. I tended to enjoy hanging out in the roleplay rooms once it dawned on me that right in front of me people were writing interactive fiction. It was amazing. There were some very good writers around.

I dabbled in all kinds of different writing until the decency police came along. There is no amount of eye rolling that I can even do to express how aggravating I find the decency police. What consenting adults do in private or in semi public like in a chat room marked Slave Marketplace is up to them. Yes, still bitter many years later.

Then the decency police arrived and suddenly we weren't allowed to even have a chat room named like that. People didn't have places to meet and chat and rp the way they once did. Eventually, it was the end of an era, and even in the end, the first nail in aol's coffin.

For a while after that, I rpd exclusively in text based games in places like livejournal and it's clones like journalfen. I loved that, but it also got wearing. When you are rpiing with someone else, that person is depending on you to be there and vice versa. And sure, real life comes first, but that doesn't mean it's not difficult. Especially when real life is kicking your ass.

And not to mention the fact that Livejournal etc got less and less friendly to things that might not be considered "Decent". What once was a major gathering place for fandom and a huge storehouse of fanfiction in dozens of fandoms has become mostly a ghost town. That is very much responsible for the birth of a03. Fandom as a whole decided they wanted a place to post, write, comment, and store fanfiction for the forseeable future. Fandom continues to pay for the archive in yearly donation drives. I write there. Most of my fandom friends do too.

That lead me to tumblr where I happily rpd a variety of many things for quite some time. But Tumblr too began to fall out of fashion when they started to advertise to hell and back and also to limit things we could search. Yeah you can turn off the safe search whatever function but still, I don't need anybody else to police my interests. And before you say yeah but there are kids there. Yes, and? Their parents should be doing their job of knowing what their kids are doing instead of expecting everyone else to do it for them with decency police.

 The minute you start to try to police other adults in their own free time where no one is harmed, that's a very slippery slope. And yet, it continues happening.

But I found sl from journal fen believe it or not. And been here ever since. I'm on tumblr and twitter still too... but there's still always someone there trying to tell everyone else how to behave.

But I've been on sl since 2006 and I've never really left since though I've taken some long breaks, mainly when some one broke my heart and then stepped on it. I am not always comfortable with this pixel world where you can see things that I used to only write about. There's such a thing as being too real I guess. But here I still am.

 Took this pic while I was sitting feeling lonely in a crowded room, just like real life. I know that to get something out, you have to put something in, but I must say, the effort is exhausting sometimes.

Also can I just say I'm really tired of animations which assume that everyone is 8 feet tall and skinny as hell? Also with non proportionate arm length and so on. Yeah.

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Just some new pictures.

Click the pic for a somewhat larger view :)

This little dress is from Yeliz. Hair by Truth, (without hair wreath) Jewelry by Cae, skin and cosmetics by Pink Fuel, eyes by Avi-Glam.

Lingerie by AVB, shoes by N-core, Hand Bracelets by Real Evil, nails by Empire, hearts are from a body glitter thing called Love Potion by Colemarie Soleil.

All poses by Foxcity and Infiniti.

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Just a girl called Lovely

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